5 New Year's Wishes for Grief

We are standing at a threshold,
about to say good-bye to 2015
and cross over into the New Year.

Sometime this past year
someone you know stood at the threshold
of life and death,
said goodbye to physical form
and crossed over to the Other Side.

You may have been at their bedside
or miles away.
You may have received a phone call
or read about it on Facebook.

However close or distant you were,
however much you loved them or struggled,
they won't be stepping into 2016
with you in the same way as just a year ago.

It's shocking. It's sad. It hurts.

Your brain might not yet be able to grasp
the full reality of their death.
It might be hard for you to imagine life without them.
It might feel like you are leaving them behind
as the year of their death comes to a close.

Your friends are attending parties
and dreaming up New Year's resolutions.
You can barely think ahead to next week
and feel lucky to get the laundry done.

You're not alone in this. You're not alone.

I wish for you these 5 things on your grief journey in 2016:

1. Deep knowing that the love between you continues.

2. Peaceful growing into new ways of connecting with and remembering them.

3. Courage to feel your grief and share it with those you trust.

4. Self-compassion as you learn how to live your life after their death.

5. Finally, I wish you a safe and gentle crossing of the threshold into 2016.

4 Tips for Single Parents During the Holidays

Are you a single parent for the first time this holiday?
Are you newly divorced? Been divorced for awhile?

There is a unique kind of grief for single/remarried parents
when their parenting plan calls for their kid(s)
to be with the other parent on special holidays.

However you end up dividing the holidays,
whether every other year
or splitting up the days,
it is inevitable that you will miss your kids
on a day you really wish you could be with them.

I call this grief, "The Parenting Plan Holiday Blues"

I also include those parents
who grieve over the reality that the other parent abandoned their kids
and won't show up at all this holiday,

As well as those parents who have to deal with a messed-up other parent
who is around and Does want time with their kids.

It's all hard. I'm not going to tell you it's not.
But you can learn how to work with the hard parts.
You can feel some "comfort and joy" during the holidays.
You can have magical moments and create memories with your kids
even though it won't look like a Hallmark holiday.

Here are four things you can do to help ease your grief:

1. You are going to miss your kids. No matter how old they are.
No matter how many holidays you've followed the parenting plan.
Lean into your feelings and let them roll right through you.
You'll feel better if you do.

2. Have a plan for the time you aren't with them.
Find ways to care for yourself and to celebrate anyway.
Be with others who love you or love yourself in your solitude.
Be careful not to split by imagining their holiday with the other parent
as all wonderful while yours is pathetic.
Guard against envy. It will make you feel worse.

3. Be flexible with planning.
Pay attention to their needs.
Pay attention to your own.
Start new traditions.
Learn from holidays past.
What worked? What didn't?

4. Take care of your inner kid.
I know. I know. But it works.
Take care of your inner kid
when you don't get to be with your other kids.

Eventually, you will find new ways to celebrate with your kids.
It takes time. You won't feel as bereft.
It does get easier.

How about you?
what have you found to be helpful
when you are missing your kids during the holidays?

"I'll Be Home for Christmas"

This song gets me every time I hear it.
My eyes well up and my heart hurts.
I quickly change the radio station.

It's my 3rd Christmas without Mom and only 4 months since Dad died.
Their home of 40 years has been emptied and sold.
Their vacation property is on the market.
His room in the memory care center has a new occupant.

Where is my sense of HOME now?

How about you this year?
Have you lost someone that was HOME to you?
Have you had to sort through, pack up, give away the belongings of someone you loved?
Have you lost a place you called HOME because your parent(s) lived there?
Or maybe because of the memories attached to it?

Do you ever wonder where HOME is for you this Christmas?

I want you to know that you're not the only one.
You are surrounded by good, loving, grieving adult sons and daughters
who have lost a parent or parental figure.
You are surrounded by good, loving grieving spouses who have lost the sense of home they shared with their beloved.
You are surrounded by good, loving grieving parents who have lost their child and now their home feels empty.

There is that old saying, "Home is where the heart is".
But what about hearts that have been ransacked with grief?
Hearts that are numb? Sorrowful hearts? Angry or regretful hearts?
Relieved hearts? Exhausted or bewildered hearts?
Hearts that can't bear the heaviness of it all?

These are the things I reflect upon as I wonder about my sense of home.
I've done plenty of work over the years with myself and clients to find an inner HOME.
But now that my parents are gone?
I understand this in a whole new way.
It's an actual felt sensation in my body.
It's a knowing that my home is within me.
What used to be Jungian metaphor or symbolic language
has sunk into my heart, belly and bones.

Sometimes I need to call myself HOME.
Sometimes several times a day.
Especially during the holiday season.

How do I do that?
I put my hand on my heart and breathe into it.
I connect.
I let myself belong to nature.
I lean into the love others have for me.

Where is your HOME this holiday?
What helps you?
What has grief taught you about your sense of HOME?

The Griever's Holiday Bill of Rights

Three years ago my sisters and I attended a workshop put on by Providence Hospice in Portland, Oregon. It was called, "Get Me Through the Holidays". Our mom had died several months earlier and this was to be our first Christmas without her. We were given a packet with all kinds of hand-outs including, "The Griever's Holiday Bill of Rights".

These were written in 1992 by Bruce Conley. It's 23 years later and they still apply.

1. You have a right to say time out. Take a break when you need it.

2. You have a right to tell it like it is. When people ask you how you feel, go ahead and tell them.

3. You have the right to some "bah humbug" days.

4. You have the right to do things differently.

5. You have the right to be where you want to be.

6. You have the right to some fun. It's okay to laugh. It doesn't mean you have forgotten your loved one.

7. You have the right to change direction in mid-stream. Holiday grief is unpredictable. It's okay to change your mind about something you were going to do.

8. You have the right to do things at different times. You don't have to follow the "holiday clock". Open presents at a different time. Eat at a different time.

9. You have a right to rest, peace and solitude. Actually, it's important that you rest a lot and recharge.

10. You have a right to do it all differently next year.

Grief & Difficult Times of the Year

Here are 4 simple principles* for getting through difficult times.
It could be the holidays.
Or maybe the anniversary of your loved one's death.
Their birthday.
Your birthday.
Family events.

These times are intense, emotional and rocky.
You probably already know that.
Did you know they also provide opportunities
to reflect on your loss,
honor your beloved
and to think about your future?

I'm going to walk you through these principles
using the example of the holidays.

1. Anticipate and plan for the day(s).

You might want to avoid the holidays altogether
because they hurt too much.
This often makes it worse.
Having a plan can help you feel less helpless.
A sense of control can lower the intensity of your grief.
So, figure out which days will probably be the hardest for you
Christmas Eve? Christmas Day? New Years Eve?
Make your plan and let it be a compass as you navigate the holidays.

2. Expect to be sad. Focus on self-care.

You'll be sadder than usual and miss them even more.
It doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you
or you're back where you started.
No need to be worried or critical of yourself.
It's just how it is.
However, you do get to decide what to do about it.
You might want to just let yourself be sad.
Or maybe you'll want to plan things that help you feel less so.
Some folks go for distractions.
Whatever you do, try to be with others.
Try to let in their love.

3. Keep some focus on your own life. Find something that give you joy or pleasure.

This might feel like a tall order during the holidays.
It's on of the challenges of grief: trying to find a way to keep on living
while you're grieving.
Build in some time for something you enjoy. No matter how small.
See if you can open to some positive emotions about your beloved.
Time in nature is a good place to start for most of us.

4. Find ways to honor your person who died.

I don't know what this will look like for you.
Maybe cooking one of their favorite foods.
Visit the cemetery. Light a candle. Do something they liked to do.
Write about them. Tell their story. Say their name.
Include their memory in your holiday festivities.
Find a way to keep cherishing them and caring for them,
even though it will look different than when they were alive.

Since these difficult days can't be avoided,
I recommend you choose to lean into them instead.

You might just feel a bit better,
feel more connected to your loved one,
more hopeful about your future
and have a sense of empowerment
in coming to terms with your loss.

Let me know how it goes for you.

As for me? I'm walking my talk.
Last weekend I placed a wreath on my parents' grave.
I'm on the look-out for simple joys and
planning for my hardest days.
Oh yeah--more water, less caffeine.
That falls under Principle 2.

*Nancy Turret & M.Katherine Shear, "Working with Difficult Times".